A word from contributor Bela Shayevich

America: Your Fruit Are Bullshit

 

It may take a moment to recover from the ostensible un-patriotism of this statement, but think about it: What fruit do we have?

 

The Apple, The Banana, and The Orange.

 

The range of ways that an apple can be bad is astonishing. There are only two kinds of bad oranges (sour/watery and the rarer “dry” kind), but the frequency with which they appear in the general orange population is unforgivable. At least 1 in 3 oranges fucking suck. Then, there’s the banana, aka the least refreshing fruit ever. If I wanted a potato, I would eat one that was cooked.

 

Fruit are so much better than this. Most of us, myself included, don’t even having any an idea of how awesome and strange real fruit are. When I think about the fact that it took Americans over 250 years to realize that coconut water was awesome, I am simultaneously flabbergasted and ashamed. This isn’t Soviet Russia. We are directly adjacent to lands where delicious fruits are abundant, and yet it’s taken us this long to stop being dicks and drink their incredible juice. It’s appalling.

 

Not that I’m advocating outsourcing. I just want to point to the fact that the way that we’ve tried to overcome the handicap of our climate has heretofore been lame pussy. When we try to grow good fruit on our own soil, say, in California, we inevitably fuck that up by trying to sell it year-round and also making it cost way too much fucking money. Enough.

 

The only way to compete with the incredible fruit producing skills of the so-called “banana republics” is by using our awesomest tool: Horror Science. Flavor science is cool and artificial flavors are totally magic, but we have scarier, more powerful methods at our disposal: Why don’t we just make up some crazy fucked-up fruit?

 

America: Have you ever seen a Durian? Why can’t we create something as fucked up as a Durian?

 

America: Durians are way fucked up.

check it out/first times

Check out this cool new food blog: Through the Cooking Class is a blog that commemorates a series of cooking classes that are hosted at different people’s houses here in Baltimore which is where I live. It shares the recipes that were covered in the class as well as cute pictures. I was at the first one, which is the one currently featured. Guess which person is me is you are bored!

Another food related item of note is that I ate at the fast food chain chik-fil-a for the first time today. It was really good and I am starting to wonder why I even bother making my own food anymore. All I should be doing is attending food parties and eating at the mall.

I’m going to make some chili in my slow cooker tomorrow. I have never made chili before, making this newspaper article all about firsts. If I remember that this newspaper is around tomorrow I will blog about it, I mean, report on it.

oh yeah

So first of all, I forgot about this newspaper for a couple of weeks. Meaning I actually had no recollection of ever having invented or written in it. Second of all, I haven’t bought groceries in more than a month. I have barely been eating anything and have been too lazy to even think about making food. I’m not even going to attempt to imagine the amount of money I must have spent on stupid sandwiches and whatever, and my boyfriend is probably going to break up with me soon if I don’t stop eating all of his food. This is a pretty desperate and pathetic situation and I intend to turn it around sometime soon, and the first order of business is to wrench The Tummy Times from its watery grave by describing this kick ass pizza I made yesterday.

Trying to make a pizza yesterday made me realize that I have never made pizza before. Luckily it was so easy because my boyfriend had made a pizza a few days before and all I had to do was throw his leftover ingredients together. It was great because I barely had to do anything and I still got to eat. I love eating.

The past week of my life has been all about not doing anything but watching tv shows and knitting and drinking coffee and eating THE WORST junk food imaginable. Last night I ate my first Butterfinger candy bar in years. Butterfinger used to be my favorite candy bar and I stopped eating them because they stopped tasting as good as I remember and also because I decided I wanted to get snobby about food. This butterfinger was very very good. I’m very glad that I ate it. Butterfingers and similar foods are something I would like to reintroduce into my life.

I think this year I am going to streamline my eating choices a little. The last few months were all about finding out new ingredients and exploring my kitchen repertoire. I think this year I want to just pick a few foods I like making, only eat those, and then once in a while choose something really special to make. I got a crock pot for Christmas, and so I am going to get seriously into cute soups and roasts. Pizza will probably be important, as will breads and who knows what else. I guess what I am saying is that I want to break out horribly and have really runny dumps and have stomach aches and problems all the time.

Single Ladies On Their Own

Good news, readers. My roommates have been kidnapped by a rock band and are trapped on a school bus and being forced to wear funny costumes while shakin’ around in front of a bunch of people in different places in the country every night. This means that I am home all alone for the next month, and by far the biggest tragedy of this situation is what a dream come true it is. I think that it is very important for you all to know that since they left three days ago I have not once worn a pair of pants or closed the door while going to the bathroom. Furthermore, I get to eat all of the food that they couldn’t find a use for before they left. The foods that I came up with based on these leavings might have been an interesting post, unfortunately they didn’t really leave anything of interest behind. So instead I will be doing a short series of articles describing cooking tips for single ladies on their own.

To be honest I am reaching pretty far into my ass for this series topic. For one, I don’t eat meals with my roommates and my eating habits aren’t changed at all by their absence. For two, I have a boyfriend who actually ends up feeding me pretty often. Forgive me for being completely misleading and totally misrepresenting my current food situation.

Here is my first tip:
It’s always a good idea to make too much food when cooking for yourself. Last night’s too big dinner leftovers make a handy lunch the next day. Plus, you never know when a gentleman will ask you out last minute. You can save valuable face-putting-on time if you have some old food laying around that you can quickly throw together.

Anyway, I’m probably never going to give more tips of this nature or even mention it ever again.

This Just In

I invented this newspaper today because I have decided that I want to share some of my best thoughts about delicious tastes and tasty foods. Since all of these thoughts are incredibly important, I think that the title of blog is unworthy and I am upgrading this thing to newspaper status. Maybe tomorrow if I eat something that tastes really good I will write about it. More on this story will be reported as the situation develops.