America: Your Fruit Are Bullshit
It may take a moment to recover from the ostensible un-patriotism of this statement, but think about it: What fruit do we have?
The Apple, The Banana, and The Orange.
The range of ways that an apple can be bad is astonishing. There are only two kinds of bad oranges (sour/watery and the rarer “dry” kind), but the frequency with which they appear in the general orange population is unforgivable. At least 1 in 3 oranges fucking suck. Then, there’s the banana, aka the least refreshing fruit ever. If I wanted a potato, I would eat one that was cooked.
Fruit are so much better than this. Most of us, myself included, don’t even having any an idea of how awesome and strange real fruit are. When I think about the fact that it took Americans over 250 years to realize that coconut water was awesome, I am simultaneously flabbergasted and ashamed. This isn’t Soviet Russia. We are directly adjacent to lands where delicious fruits are abundant, and yet it’s taken us this long to stop being dicks and drink their incredible juice. It’s appalling.
Not that I’m advocating outsourcing. I just want to point to the fact that the way that we’ve tried to overcome the handicap of our climate has heretofore been lame pussy. When we try to grow good fruit on our own soil, say, in California, we inevitably fuck that up by trying to sell it year-round and also making it cost way too much fucking money. Enough.
The only way to compete with the incredible fruit producing skills of the so-called “banana republics” is by using our awesomest tool: Horror Science. Flavor science is cool and artificial flavors are totally magic, but we have scarier, more powerful methods at our disposal: Why don’t we just make up some crazy fucked-up fruit?
America: Have you ever seen a Durian? Why can’t we create something as fucked up as a Durian?
America: Durians are way fucked up.